Middle East: A Masterclass in Conflict Management

Ah, the Middle East. If ever there were a place that deserves an award for Longest Running Conflict, it’s this corner of the world, where irony flows as freely as oil and peace talks have more sequels than Fast & Furious. But why fix things when you can just keep everyone perpetually on edge? After all, peace is so passé, and endless conflict? Well, that’s practically tradition.

Let’s start with the headliners: Israel and Iran. Two countries that seem to be locked in a feud so ancient, historians need a thesaurus just to keep finding new ways to describe it. Israel, the tiny tech-savvy nation with a security complex that rivals its innovation industry, has somehow become the superhero of the Middle East—a sort of Iron Man, if you will, but with more bureaucracy. With its Iron Dome, Israel spends most of its time swatting rockets out of the sky like flies, all while delivering deadpan lectures on the dangers of, you guessed it, nuclear weapons.

Meanwhile, Iran is perpetually in “bad boy” mode. If Iran were a student, it would be the one sitting at the back of the classroom, brooding, scribbling nuclear formulas in its notebook while ignoring repeated warnings from the teacher. Every few years, the Ayatollah gets up to deliver a new speech, shaking his fist at Israel, like a frustrated coach who keeps sending his team into a game they just can’t win. Their nuclear program is like a Netflix show that keeps getting renewed for another season, even though the plot never really goes anywhere.

Then there’s the international community, watching this show like die-hard fans of a soap opera. The United States, of course, plays the role of the exasperated parent who’s always threatening to pull the car over if Israel and Iran don’t stop fighting, yet somehow always manages to buy more popcorn. “We condemn the violence!” they declare, while simultaneously signing arms deals because, let’s be honest, those weapons aren’t going to sell themselves. Peace talks, sanctions, military aid—it’s like they’ve invented new ways to say, “We care, but not that much.”

And Europe? Oh, Europe loves a good debate. They’ll gather for another summit, sip espresso, and draft more of their famous strongly-worded letters. The kind of letters that could really teach you a lesson—if you ever bothered to open them. There’s nothing quite like watching diplomats issue “urgent” warnings in beautifully crafted prose that reads like a passive-aggressive email from HR.

Saudi Arabia and the Gulf states are over in the VIP section, building skyscrapers and hosting EDM festivals, hoping that if they keep buying yachts, nobody will notice that they’re technically part of the same region that’s perpetually on fire. “Israel? Iran? Never heard of them,” they say, as they check the latest football scores from their newly purchased European soccer teams. They’ve got a brand to protect, and nothing says “modern Middle East” like pretending the neighbours aren’t lobbing missiles at each other just a few miles away.

Meanwhile, the Palestinian territories, caught in the middle like the kid no one wants to sit with at lunch, continue to endure the brunt of this geopolitical pettiness. The West Bank and Gaza are not so much pawns in this grand chess game as they are the chessboard itself—constantly stepped on, occasionally flipped over, but never part of the actual conversation. When the bombs fall, the world shrugs and moves on, but when it’s time to point fingers, suddenly everyone has an opinion.

Then there’s the United Nations, that stalwart beacon of… something. Every few months, they gather, exchange concerned glances, and pass resolutions so toothless that even the countries involved barely pretend to care. At this point, their strategy seems to be to out-wait the conflict. Surely if they keep sending blue-helmeted peacekeepers who stand politely on the side-lines, someone will eventually stop firing missiles, right?

And so, the Middle East conflict carries on, like a tragicomedy no one can quite quit. The world wrings its hands and demands peace, while selling arms and drawing lines in the sand. Israel keeps defending, Iran keeps defying, and everyone else keeps talking about what could be done—if only anyone actually wanted it to end. After all, peace is such a dull headline. Why settle for tranquillity when you can keep the drama alive?

As they say, if it ain’t broke… well, maybe we should just leave it that way.